I kinda just want to call everyone out right now and say that I’m sure you don’t have ANY friends like me that will fucking want to help you so bad, wants you to achieve your goals and covers you on money constantly all the fucking time because you ain’t got shit.
No ones got SHIT
And what do I get in return?! SHIT
FUCK THE WORLD
FUCK THIS SHIT
I’m pissed off man.
I still don’t have a best friend. Do you know how sad that makes me?! I have to write on tumblr to vent my shit..
My fucking fiancee thinks I’m crazy and my head gets the best of me so, there goes me venting to him about shit..
His friends girlfriend is cool, still awkward to open up to her though. Don’t know her well enough.
I just feel so lost.
I’m going ham today to clean.
I’m cleaning the living SHIT out of the fucking house and everyone who steps on my floors can kiss my fucking hand and call me Queen.
Fuck everyone right now.
I can’t do this shit anymore. I clean the floor every single day yet my fucking roommate complains about it being dirty. Says there’s dog poop and pee.
Get this bullshit..
I was mopping the floor and as he came down the stairs he saw a poop on the floor, walked over to the paper towels “hey val there’s a poop” and hands me the paper towels and goes outside.
PICK IT THE FUCK UP
IM NOT YOUR FUCKING MAID
YOU OWE ME TWO MONTHS RENT
YOU NEVER FUCKING HELP ME CLEAN
YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A JOB
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURSELF MAN?! GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND SHOW ME THAT YOU APPRECIATE LIVING FOR FREE! CLEAN THE DISHES, SWEEP THE FLOOR, TAKE THE TRASH OUT, DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! ANYTHING AT ALL.
I’m going explode today. This heat inside of me is fucking boiling. He going to get fucking screamed at. Real bad. I’m tired of this shit. What’s with everyone thinking that being friends with me everything comes free?!!!!!
GOD DAMNIT MAN
you know what?! Everyone only wants to be around me because I pay for everything. This is going to end real quick because no one appreciates it. Its pissing me the fuck off and its giving me terrible anxiety.
I just wish he was proud of me and wanted to show me off. I feel like ive lost something about myself. I don’t feel appreciated by anyone. I would say not even my fiance but that wouldn’t get much of a reaction out of him. It may seem like when I ask stupid questions like “why don’t you call me beautiful anymore” or “why won’t you flirt with me” that I’m being silly but I actually feel that way. I feel genuinely ignore. Ive tried everything to fix it but I’m gonna have to just let it go and slip off my shoulders. I do love him. I just want to be loved back. I want to be squeezed with love and joy when he sees me. I want him to take my side on arguments against his friends. I want him to want to protect me. I want him to want me. I want my ass grabbed when no ones looking. I want to get grabbed my the hips and kissed on the neck. I wanna hear I love you whispered in my ear. I want my hand held…….
I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe what I want isn’t realistic. Maybe I don’t deserve it. Maybe maybe maybe…
Not to mention that the only friends I have, which aren’t even my friends, are his friends and its only when he hangs out with them. I have no one. I’m truly all alone. I feel very alone. I don’t feel wanted at all. Sex is great but… There just something I need more of. I need passion. I want him to fucking grab my face and look me dead in the eye and aggressively tell me that I mean the entire world to him and he never wants to lose me. But all I get is a little face touch and a “babe.” “I do love you.” Oh.. Ok. Great enthusiasm, right?… I just.. What do I say? What do I do? Am I supposed to cry about it? We’re engaged. I’m not trying to run away. I’m a bit frightened by what my future holds for me. My life is Blah. Its boring and filled with nothingness. Just a bunch of people who want to smoke weed. No one has any motivation or goal to achieve. And.. Fuck..
I’m stuck. I feel stuck. And afraid. A little annoyed too……
And I’m getting used really hard by a person I thought was my friend. Hope they got what they wanted out of that..
Whatever, life is whatever. Everything is whatever. I’m a rag doll and get tossed around like one all day.
All I know is, I don’t deserve this :/
Sometimes I wonder if I let things go to far and if I’m stuck.
Its almost like I just can’t be friends with anyone. Like I’m not meant to have friends. I just put this wall up, but why is that a bad thing? I’m just protecting myself. I’ve gotten played, used and taken advantage of way too much by people who claimed to be my ‘friend’… But sometimes I feel really lonely. I don’t seem to act myself around anyone but Alex. I always put up a fake front to be nice and interested in the person I’m talking to when I wish I could just be my good ol’ cursing, not giving a fuck what people think, self. I don’t like people to begin with, but I do want to have fun and have someone to talk to… I feel like a fucking bum sitting around doing nothing when I’m not in school. I could absolutely be hanging out with friends. Not to mention that the adventures you have with friends are means for good photo ops! I just want a friend, man :/ maybe a couple… Idk.